Come Pick Me up

 About 25 years ago I had an affair with a married man. It was an exciting and a scary time. It was exciting to be in the emotional throws of an early relationship and scary to be sneaking around and not able to talk to anyone. It is hard to be torn between your attraction and the knowledge that what you are doing is wrong. I remember at the time I didn't sleep much the week it started. I was away from home, in a different time zone with much on my brain. I often found myself wandering around this foreign city with melancholy music playing in my ears as I rode the tidal waves of emotions. It was the early 2000s, so no ipod, cellphone or streaming service.  All i had was a discman and a few CDs I had brought with me, including a mixed CD I made for the trip I called Rocky Road (how apt it was). That CD contained the song Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams and I was playing it on near constant repeat.  

When it began I thought we could just have fun - and I think he did too, but fairly quickly it became clear that we were developing feelings for each other. Those feelings made him contemplate leaving his marriage which he said hadn't been working for a long time. I think he told me he was thinking of leaving so that I would help him make that decision and he thought I would be thrilled to be together. Instead I told him he shouldn't leave his wife for me, if he was going to leave, he should leave for himself. It felt like sound advice, but really I was just scared. I was scared of my feelings and I was scared what people would think of me if they found out our relationship started as an affair. 

Fear of feelings has always been an issue for me. When big feelings happen I find them to be so big and so overwhelming that the best answer seems to be, then just push them down, or throw them away. I threw them away with the married man and he ended up leaving his wife for someone else. Someone who was prepared to stand with him through the complication of a divorce and being seen at the other woman. At the time what amazed me was the fact that she didn't really face much criticism for her choices, nor did he, and what little there was said I don't think they ever really heard. They were in love, and that is what mattered to them.

Now, I find myself in a similar situation, with a strong attraction to a married man, for whom the feeling is mutual. The playlist has changed, somewhat, but the excitement, internal conflict, and sleeplessness are the same. Nothing has happened between us, and maybe nothing will. What happens or doesn't happen between us isn't what is on my mind. Right now what is on my minds is, am I the same girl I was then? Will I make the same choices? What are hard things now? Is the hard thing just walking away from something that could be great? Or the hard thing diving and exploring the feelings no matter what they bring? 

In reality, the hardest thing is looking at myself and my patterns when it comes to who I am attracted to and what relationships I pursue. It is time to see what keeps brining me back to people who are not, in one way or another, available. What is it about knowing something won't last that allows me to me open up and have all the feelings, only to be crushed (and strangely surprised) when everything doesn't end happily ever after. Even worse, if the other person does start to really become available, I start to shut down and hide. 

These are big questions. Not something I can answer in a day. Today the best I can do is turn on some music and let the multitude of feelings wash over me. 

Time to Buckle Up for the Ride

This week I went out on what could only be framed as the greatest non date I have been on in a long time - so long that one could even hypothesize it was my best non date ever. This non date was brought to you by a man, a married man. A married man who isn't living full time with his partner because of their work. It was this detail that initially had me wondering if this was going to be a date when he first proposed we hang out. 

This man is someone I met a couple of times at some work events. At the end of one such events, he said to me that he thought I was pretty great and that we should hang out some time. I said sure, and when I went home emailed him to see if he really meant it. I mean, I am single afterall, he is cute and I had already started thinking I should put myself out there for opportunities. He responded to my email(three days later) and said, yes that would be great but he was really busy until the new year. So we made a plan to meet two months from that point. At the time I was unsure if it was a date or not, as the messages were flirty ... in a non commital way. Not knowing if something is or isn't a date isn't new behavior for me. I have often thought something wasn't a date when it was, or was a date when it wasn't. In hindsight, anyone who isn't looking to make a plan with you right away, probably isn't looking for a date. Those tend to be more immediate, but I digress. 

So two months came and went in speedy fashion as they seem to these days. Between work, the kids, and attempting to have a social life the weeks fly by. Once the day finally arrived we met for a drink at my neighbourhood pub and split a hard cider - as there was literally only one cider in the whole bar - and began to share our life stories. How he met and courted his wife (not dating material), how I met courted my ex, how we find ourselves living in our respective cities, some of our work history, etc. With one shared drink in us we moved onto my favourite restaurant for some food and more stories. We each had a mocktail (dear lord who have I become) and continued with the story sharing. 

For a good while we talked back and forth about life, about leadership, our journey's as leaders in spaces, some successes, some fears, and I began to think that he was going to pitch me on becoming my executive coach (again, not dating material), but then we pivoted and he said we should each share a good drinking story (more date like). He shared something about getting really drunk at 16, and I shared a story about getting really drunk as a bridesmaid in a wedding, which is also the story of how I quit smoking 20 years ago. After dinner we each had tea (again, who the fuck have I become) and continued with more personal stories of exotic travel and nights we will never forget. Once done our tea and our goodbyes, he said we should do it again, and I said sure, sounds lovely.  We will see if anything materializes, as he is a very busy man, and also married, so not sure where a new out of town friend fits into his master plan. 

So, that is my great non date. There was real chemistry, shared interest, lovely laughter and real touching moments through the evening. That in itself is rare, so it is okay that did didn't end in kissing or sex, it was date in a get to know you, have a real spark of connection way. I think the most important thing about the night as that it was a good reminder that I like meeting new people, sharing space, telling stories, hearing stories, and discovering how alike or different you are from the person across the bar. That I can still make people laugh, make them think and event surprise them a little. It is good to blow the dust off the cover of the best stories from your past and revel in the newness of telling them to someone for the first time. Remembering details you have forgotten as it has been so long since you have had a new audience for this tale or that one. Watching their face, hearing them laugh and each interrupting the other as excited inquiries and tangents pour out of you both. 

From this non date, I now know something I knew months ago when he and I first made this plan - I do indeed want more nights like this with real connection. But what I didn't know was that I also want nights with the tension, and the passion that lead to physical exploration, not just the mental and emotional connection. It won't be tomorrow, but I think soon, this single girl is going to put herself back out there to ride the rollercoaster of dating again even with all the twist and turns, highs and lows ... time buckle up and enjoy the ride! 

Keeping the Dream Alive

When I was in my late 20s and early 30s I had a blog called Keeping the Dream Alive. Most of my friends were settling down and having kids and buying houses and I was building a career and living the single life in a different city and different time zone then all of them. It was a pseudo anonymous blog subtitled adventures of a single girl that friends knew was me and others in the blog-o-sphere did not. I wrote about my adventures with parties, dates, friends, and a little work. It was a great way to keep in touch with a number of folks and to share my adventures and get a thrill from strangers wanting to follow and comment on my life. 

 Now, almost 20 years later, I find myself single again, but under very different circumstances. Like my friends in the early 2000s, I now have kids, a mortgage, and continue to have a successful career; unlike some of them, I am no longer in a relationship. In the last year my partner of more than 10 years and I decided to end our romantic relationship and to stop living together. It has been a big change for all of us - moving, setting a schedule, learning how to navigate this new reality - and now, almost a year later I think I am almost ready to jump back into the world of dating and generally start a more exciting life for myself. 

It is being on this precipice that brought me back to my old blog and ultimately back here to my computer to start writing about my life again. I am sure that I will not be as adventurous as I was back then, but I am determined to rekindle some of that spark that has been smothered for the last number of months under the weight of this change and all of life’s responsibilities that come with this age and stage in life. 

So, here we go, The Single Girl, or TSG, is back on the town and ready to share her adventures.

Wish Me Luck!