Come Pick Me up

 About 25 years ago I had an affair with a married man. It was an exciting and a scary time. It was exciting to be in the emotional throws of an early relationship and scary to be sneaking around and not able to talk to anyone. It is hard to be torn between your attraction and the knowledge that what you are doing is wrong. I remember at the time I didn't sleep much the week it started. I was away from home, in a different time zone with much on my brain. I often found myself wandering around this foreign city with melancholy music playing in my ears as I rode the tidal waves of emotions. It was the early 2000s, so no ipod, cellphone or streaming service.  All i had was a discman and a few CDs I had brought with me, including a mixed CD I made for the trip I called Rocky Road (how apt it was). That CD contained the song Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams and I was playing it on near constant repeat.  

When it began I thought we could just have fun - and I think he did too, but fairly quickly it became clear that we were developing feelings for each other. Those feelings made him contemplate leaving his marriage which he said hadn't been working for a long time. I think he told me he was thinking of leaving so that I would help him make that decision and he thought I would be thrilled to be together. Instead I told him he shouldn't leave his wife for me, if he was going to leave, he should leave for himself. It felt like sound advice, but really I was just scared. I was scared of my feelings and I was scared what people would think of me if they found out our relationship started as an affair. 

Fear of feelings has always been an issue for me. When big feelings happen I find them to be so big and so overwhelming that the best answer seems to be, then just push them down, or throw them away. I threw them away with the married man and he ended up leaving his wife for someone else. Someone who was prepared to stand with him through the complication of a divorce and being seen at the other woman. At the time what amazed me was the fact that she didn't really face much criticism for her choices, nor did he, and what little there was said I don't think they ever really heard. They were in love, and that is what mattered to them.

Now, I find myself in a similar situation, with a strong attraction to a married man, for whom the feeling is mutual. The playlist has changed, somewhat, but the excitement, internal conflict, and sleeplessness are the same. Nothing has happened between us, and maybe nothing will. What happens or doesn't happen between us isn't what is on my mind. Right now what is on my minds is, am I the same girl I was then? Will I make the same choices? What are hard things now? Is the hard thing just walking away from something that could be great? Or the hard thing diving and exploring the feelings no matter what they bring? 

In reality, the hardest thing is looking at myself and my patterns when it comes to who I am attracted to and what relationships I pursue. It is time to see what keeps brining me back to people who are not, in one way or another, available. What is it about knowing something won't last that allows me to me open up and have all the feelings, only to be crushed (and strangely surprised) when everything doesn't end happily ever after. Even worse, if the other person does start to really become available, I start to shut down and hide. 

These are big questions. Not something I can answer in a day. Today the best I can do is turn on some music and let the multitude of feelings wash over me.